This paper examines Lacto Calamine, a widely used topical cosmetic-lotion marketed by Piramal Pharma, through the lens of pharmacological efficacy, regulatory ambiguity, and ethical marketing. Drawing from publicly available data on its ingredients—primarily kaolin clay, zinc oxide, glycerin, and aloe vera—this study interrogates whether the formulation justifies its “pseudo-medical” truth-claims. It situates Lacto Calamine within India’s broader landscape of over-the-counter (OTC) cosmetic-medicinal hybrids that thrive on consumer faith rather than clinical validation. Methodologically, the paper employs both toxicological data analysis and self-reflexive ethnography, integrating critical theory and personal testimony to illuminate how pharmacological discourse and neoliberal consumerism intertwine. Ethical questions regarding celebrity endorsements, placebo reassurance, and gendered beauty expectations are explored. The study concludes that Lacto Calamine functions less as a pharmacologically commensurable product and more as a symbolic artefact of cosmetic capitalism, merging colonial legacies of fairness with neoliberal health consumerism.